First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. - George Burns
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old. - George Burns
I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left. - George Burns
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair. - George Burns
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. - George Burns
Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age. - George Burns
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life. - George Burns
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - George Burns
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. - George Burns
Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years. - George Burns
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it. - George Burns
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect. - George Burns
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. - George Burns
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. - George Burns
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns
"Is it true that you smoke eight to ten cigars a day?" "That's true." "Is it true that you drink five martinis a day?" "That's true." "Is it true that you still surround yourself with beautiful young women?" "That's true." "What does your doctor say about all of this?" "My doctor is dead." - George Burns
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65 I had cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked. - George Burns
I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. - George Burns
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. - George Burns
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. - George Burns
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. - George Burns
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. - George Burns
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. - George Burns
I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate. - George Burns
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. - George Burns
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. - George Burns